Theory as A liberatory practice
A liberatory practice empowers individuals to make sense of their life experiences, a personal "aha moment." According to bell hooks, theory catalyzes these moments like a metaphorical light switch. The notion of engaging in theory or pursuing an academic path always seemed impossible until recently. My academic journey has been unconventional. I relied on my looks and charm to navigate K-12 schooling, earning teachers’ favor in order to coast through school. This experience led me to view education as something that was…" not for everyone" and "unnecessary," leading to me dropping out junior year. Soon after, I married and became pregnant, depending on my husband for security. This experience left me feeling inadequate as a student and the belief that I was never smart enough.
bell hooks once stated, "I came to theory because I was hurting—the pain within me was so intense that I could not live. I came to theory desperate, wanting to comprehend what was happening around me. Most importantly, I wanted to make the hurt go away. I saw, in theory, then a location for healing." Like her, education became a means to understanding my pain. In 2020, I was divorced and alone, raising my children isolated at my grandparents' home during a pandemic. Surrounded by memories of those who raised me, I realized how little I knew about them and myself. Throughout my life, I grappled with my identity as a woman of color, struggling to connect with my culture and heritage. That’s when I decided to go back to school. I wanted to learn more about who I am.
The body I was born in dictated the course of my life. I recognized that my mother's example instilled the notion that a man's love and approval should take precedence. She taught my sister and me that our appearance and ability to maintain it were our biggest assets. Tragically, she normalized the idea that abuse in a relationship was normal. Unfortunately, I repeated many of these patterns, finding myself in an abusive relationship and sacrificing my well-being in pursuit of a man's love. Despite my mother's intention to raise strong daughters, it wasn’t enough to counter the societal scripts we were prescribed.
My given name has always been a source of pain. hooks notes, "The act of naming, often a privilege of the powerful, enables them to shape interpretations, definitions, or descriptions of their work and actions, which may not reflect reality and can obscure the truth." Names hold immense power, whether applied to children, oneself, experiences, or objects. My father’s first name is my middle, following the Arabic tradition. However, this tradition held little significance for me because my parents divorced, and my father was more of a destructive and painful presence, entering and exiting my life. There were moments when I considered changing my name to shed its weight, perhaps adopting my mother's maiden name. But my mother’s mixed Latina heritage created a cultural hierarchy within her side of the family. Leaving me disheartened about all aspects of my identity.
I grew up in a predominantly white, Christian, Republican town, where I could pass as white enough to escape overt bias as a child. However, the pervasive prejudices shaped my internal beliefs about who I was. This environment taught me that all facets of my identity were undesirable. Raised by a single mother, I was judged for not having a conventional family. Mexicans were reduced to stereotypes like gardeners, and Arabs were either associated with terrorism or entirely ignored. These internalized beliefs led me to distance myself from my heritage and culture, striving to assimilate into whiteness.
My life before having children was marked by chaos and survival. However, my perspective on the world transformed when I became a mother to a daughter. I began questioning societal norms and the treatment of women, which led to a critical reevaluation of my upbringing and my mother's influence on me. I delved into sex education, realizing that it encompassed all the topics I wanted to challenge: identity, relationships, attraction, self-expression, and the bodies we inhabit. I aim to challenge societal norms governing these aspects of life. I questioned if I had it in me to go back to school and succeed. Was I enough?
Over the past four years of learning, my lived experiences have given me a unique perspective, making the knowledge I gained in school more significant. hooks said, "When our lived experience of theorizing is fundamentally linked to processes of self-recovery, of collective liberation, no gap exists between theory and practice." I have the experience necessary to apply theory in practice; this is my moment to shape my interpretations and define my experiences. Not only am I intelligent enough to be a student, but my knowledge, experiences, and meaning give me the earned privilege of defining my identity rather than allowing others to do it for me.
Today, I start the healing process by naming myself. I am Bridgett "Khauder" Elaine Khoury. I am a Palestinian Latina single mother of two queer children and am prepared to theorize and define my identity.